Baby update

We learned today that our baby did indeed pass away a few weeks ago. I had a wonderful ultrasound technician this morning, and she was very thorough in checking the baby and scrutinizing everything for a possible heartbeat, movement, etc. I got to see everything on the screen, and it was good (but also difficult) for me to see what a beautiful, perfect but very, very still peanut this little one was. I remember the early ultrasounds with our 3 boys, and the joy of seeing and hearing their tiny heartbeats fluttering away on the screen, even when their bodies could not have been much bigger than jellybeans, and the silence and stillness of this baby today was so ... final. The technician was kind enough to offer to print a picture for me, which I gladly accepted. It's not much to look at -- just a bean, but it will be a beautiful reminder to me of this too-brief pregnancy.

Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and prayers. I am grieving the loss of our little one, the loss of 9 months of pregnancy, feeling baby flutters and kicks, of getting to hold our baby for the first time, and all the years I had imagined we would have together as a family of 6 after that. But, despite that, I do feel at peace. I didn't get the miracle I was hoping for, but who is to say another miracle didn't take place? I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, late term loss, or any other number of things that would have been so much more devastating, and I am grateful for that. I'm also grateful for the brief but intense joy of the positive pregnancy test and those weeks that I was priviliged to carry another soul, spirit, and body within me. What a gift to be able to create a child with God and a loving and devoted husband, and to share the joy of this new life with 3 little boys who are always so eager to welcome a new child into the family. Also, what a gift that I have been able to carry 3 healthy babies to term, and they have thrived and grown so well -- I am so grateful for this miracle which we've experienced 3 times now.

Now we have 3 tiny saints in heaven, and as much as I wish they were here with us, I know they are praying for our family. Please, if you would also continue to pray for us, for my physical healing and for our emotional healing, it would mean so much to us!