Baby update

We learned today that our baby did indeed pass away a few weeks ago. I had a wonderful ultrasound technician this morning, and she was very thorough in checking the baby and scrutinizing everything for a possible heartbeat, movement, etc. I got to see everything on the screen, and it was good (but also difficult) for me to see what a beautiful, perfect but very, very still peanut this little one was. I remember the early ultrasounds with our 3 boys, and the joy of seeing and hearing their tiny heartbeats fluttering away on the screen, even when their bodies could not have been much bigger than jellybeans, and the silence and stillness of this baby today was so ... final. The technician was kind enough to offer to print a picture for me, which I gladly accepted. It's not much to look at -- just a bean, but it will be a beautiful reminder to me of this too-brief pregnancy.

Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and prayers. I am grieving the loss of our little one, the loss of 9 months of pregnancy, feeling baby flutters and kicks, of getting to hold our baby for the first time, and all the years I had imagined we would have together as a family of 6 after that. But, despite that, I do feel at peace. I didn't get the miracle I was hoping for, but who is to say another miracle didn't take place? I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, late term loss, or any other number of things that would have been so much more devastating, and I am grateful for that. I'm also grateful for the brief but intense joy of the positive pregnancy test and those weeks that I was priviliged to carry another soul, spirit, and body within me. What a gift to be able to create a child with God and a loving and devoted husband, and to share the joy of this new life with 3 little boys who are always so eager to welcome a new child into the family. Also, what a gift that I have been able to carry 3 healthy babies to term, and they have thrived and grown so well -- I am so grateful for this miracle which we've experienced 3 times now.

Now we have 3 tiny saints in heaven, and as much as I wish they were here with us, I know they are praying for our family. Please, if you would also continue to pray for us, for my physical healing and for our emotional healing, it would mean so much to us!

April Showers

Well, we weren't exactly expecting these type of showers when we woke up this morning!

It's funny that Buffalo's weather right now is 61 degrees and sunny, and here in Colorado Springs it's 33 degrees and snowing! We've heard that April snow isn't uncommon in CO, but it will be May in 8 days -- it just seems so late for snowfall!

The boys enjoyed another romp in the snow -- I had to dig out their snowsuits (which I had thought were done for the year), and we even made a snowman.

It's also a good distraction for me, trying not to think about the ultrasound next Tuesday (but failing miserably). I'm still doing well, feeling pregnant, and hanging in there. I've been thinking of random saints to ask for intercession -- St. Anthony (for help in finding the lost heartbeat), St. Rita (patron of hopeless causes), St. Gerard (patron of expectant mothers). The waiting

and not knowing for sure until Tuesday is tough, though! I'm offering up my anxiety for the intentions of our families and friends -- I know Christ can and will do wonderful things for others with our pain and sorrow, and that is comforting!

Praying for a miracle

Things aren't looking too good for the newest baby Campbell. The dr did an ultrasound at my appointment today and the baby measured very small, and she couldn't find a heartbeat. I should be 9 weeks along, so we really should have seen a heartbeat, some movement, etc. She did note that there was a tiny chance that the machine wasn't getting a good reading, or the baby was in a funny position, so she scheduled me for a follow-up ultrasound ext Tuesday the 27th with an ultrasound technician and a better machine, so it's remotely possible that everything will look OK, but the doctor really didn't want to give me too much hope. Strangely enough, I still feel totally pregnant and have had no indications that anything is wrong (unlike my other miscarriages). I go back and forth between whether this gives me a little more hope, or whether it's torture to be still feeling sick from a pregnancy that is no longer viable. Darnit, I wish I could have a re-do of today!

Despite the normal confusion, sadness, and disappointment that I'm feeling right now, I'm actually doing pretty well emotionaly and spiritually. I feel at peace with whatever happens on Tuesday. I know Christ will give us the strength and grace to get through this -- He has before and He will again. I am going to be bold enough to pray for a miracle, but also for healing and strength for whatever is in store for us -- I would be so grateful if you join me in this prayer!

Sick and tired

But very, very happy about it!

We're expecting another baby, and so far things are going very well. I've been a little nervous since we miscarried last summer, plus all the added stress of moving and having to scramble to find a new doctor in a new state, but thankfully everything seems healthy so far. I feel pregnant (queasy, tired, and "fat" :)) which is definitely more than I felt in the pregnancies that I miscarried. So, I'm taking it as a good sign. I don't have an official doctor-approved due date yet, but I believe I'm due the week of Thanksgiving. My in utero nickname for this little one until we find out the gender might just have to be "Turkey" :). Since we'll be leaving CO in early to mid October, I'll be delivering this little one in another state (very likely VA), so that should be interesting! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to find a good doctor and hospital that I can transfer my care to once we arrive.

I was able to find a new OB here, and I go to my first appointment with her tomorrow. It's too early to hear a heartbeat or anything, but I'll feel relieved to be under a doctor's care, and hopefully at the next appointment we'll be able to hear it. The boys are going to a childcare place that caters to parents who need someone to watch their kids while they run errands, have a dr's appointment, that kind of thing, so I think they'll have much more fun there than they would sitting with me in the dr's office. I plan to bring them with me for easy, quick appointments in the future so they can hear the baby's heartbeat and everything, but I know this first appointment will be extra long with paperwork and all that. I dislike leaving the boys with total strangers, but the stress of leaving them there for a couple of hours pales in comparison to trying to take them with me and keep them all well-behaved for that long! After my appointment is done, I'm going to take them out to lunch (McDonald's is their pick!), so that should be fun. I remember how going out to lunch with Mom was a treat when we were kids, so I look forward to creating the same memories with the boys.

Anyway, we'd appreciate any extra prayers for the health of this newest Campbell. Jack is excited because he's sure this one will be a girl (his name picks so far include Mary (which I thought was sweet!), Phoebe, Lily, and Zoe). We'll see -- I'm just hopeful for a healthy baby!

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House

Here's the view of the Rockies from the back of our house.
And below is a quick tour of our house. We're really enjoying all the space!

Settling in

We made it safe and sound to Colorado Springs! The last week is kind of a blur with all the cleaning, organizing, packing, and flying, but somehow we actually made it and we're in our new "home away from home" for the next 6 months.

We breathed a big sigh of relief when we got to our rental house. It has plenty of room, and the boys immediately started running and jumping and bouncing around the house. It's feels almost unnatural to let them do this, since I've been on "thump patrol" for the past 6 months in the apartment. It really is nice to let them be kids and not worry about it bothering anyone (except maybe David and I, but now we can ask them to play downstairs when they get too rowdy, and the noise is much more tolerable!).

The sun is much brighter and stronger here, which makes it feel similar to sunny San Diego. We are closer to home, and it really feels like it, so there is some comfort in that.

We signed the boys up for swimming lessons and summer T-ball at the YMCA, so things will start getting busier next month when the lessons begin. We went to our nearest public library and signed up for a library card, and we were floored by the size and modern-ness of the library. It's HUGE and it even has a coffee shop in the lobby!! I think we'll be spending lots of time there in the next 6 months.

We're still waiting for the rest of our belongings to arrive on the moving truck, but for now it's kind of nice living simply out of the stuff we could carry in our suitcases. There aren't mounds of toys for the boys to put away, or mountains of clothes to wash and fold (granted, I have been doing lots of tiny loads, but something about a ginormous laundry pile really gets to me!).

I think it's going to be a good 6 months, in many ways easier than the last 6 months, and I plan on making the most out of it!