I don't mean this literally, but these past few weeks have been a little hard on my sense of sanity and normalcy. I know pregnancy makes ladies a bit nutty, and these last few weeks are probably the worst in that respect, but it's difficult for me to accept it gracefully.
This morning the boys and I scrambled around the house frantically trying to find one of Jack's shoes. It was important for him to wear regular athletic shoes today because he has PE on Tuesdays, so sandals or boots weren't going to cut it. Jack's shoes are not tiny, and in fact look nearly man-sized, so it was incredibly frustrating that we couldn't find his one missing shoe in all the usual spots and even the unusual ones. It's not like a Lego piece, after all!
Now, I had seen Davy wearing Jack's shoes around the house yesterday (he likes to try on his brothers' or dad's shoes and clomp around) so that added an extra layer of complexity. Where might an almost-2year old put a shoe? Today was trash day and I was honestly a bit worried that Davy had dropped the shoe in a trashcan and it was on its way to the dump!
So, we looked for the shoe until it was a few minutes past time for the boys to walk to school, and then I had to send Jack in sandals anyway. I continued the hunt after they left for school and eventually found it way up on a bookshelf where we store crayons and markers. Too high for Davy to reach. Since I had cleaned up some crayons last night, I figured that I must have picked up Jack's shoe and put it away where the crayons belonged, and then went about my business and never realized/remembered that I did that. I must have been operating in zombie mode and just "lost" those few minutes. It didn't really surprise me, since I haven't been sleeping too well and both my nights and days are long, uncomfortable, and full of disjointed thoughts and last minute "to do's". But it's still pretty unnerving for someone who likes to think she has a pretty firm grip of reality and whose family relies on her sensible coordination of household, school, and kid-related stuff.
So while I was glad to find the shoe, and to be able to deliver it to Jack before his PE class, it was humbling to realize that lots of things are out of my control these days, like when the new baby will arrive and apparently even my own mental fortitude! This loss of control is so hard for me to be comfortable with since it's my job to manage our home and be primary kid wrangler during the week, which involves deciding meal, chore, homework, and appointment routines as if I know what I'm doing :). If I don't control many of the everyday variables that we encounter, then no one else would and I'm pretty sure chaos and entropy would win and we would be miserable. I know I am not in control of everything, nor should I try to be, but it's pretty hard to turn off that switch off when creating a peaceful, somewhat orderly home is my job. I am sure it's good for me to come face to face with how little control I truly have in this world, but it is not pleasant!
Well, come to find out when Jack and Thomas came home from school, that Thomas actually put Jack's shoe up by the crayons to keep Davy from bothering it. He had forgotten all about it this morning but remembered when I told him where I had found it. I felt a little better that it wasn't my poor scatterbrain to blame this time, but I know there will be a next time very soon and it will be on me. I need to remember that this a great time for prayer and hopeful anticipation, especially now since I can't really be any more ready than I am, so I will try these next 2-3 weeks of uncomfortable, scatterbrained waiting to remember Who really is in control, to let go a little bit (must unclench hands!), and to offer up my frustrations for family members and friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment