Saying goodbye

When we found out we were pregnant with our fourth child last month, I remember thinking to myself "Wow, four children! I'm going really going to have to rely on the grace of God."

Of course we were excited and happy to be expecting another child, but a small part of me thought about some of the more crazy, hectic days with just three boys, when we already felt like we were at maximum parental capacity -- and now we would be adding a fourth on top of that?! I figured the grace of God had gotten me this far ... I would just have to do an even better job of making enough time for prayer and relying on His grace.

Now, sadly, I find myself having to rely on the grace of God for a very different purpose than I had imagined for this littlest Campbell. We lost our baby to miscarriage last week, and now I'm missing that tiny baby terribly, and everything I had hoped and looked forward to with the baby, and I'm trying so hard to rely on His grace (and the wonderful support of David and our family) to soldier on.

It was such a short pregnancy -- we had just found out I was pregnant on July 4th -- but I was already very excited about it, and the baby had a definite place in our family. I imagined a little brother or sister for the boys, another warm newborn to snuggle, another child to find the perfect name for, a close cousin to Kim and Michael's baby Matthew. I suppose I am grieving not just the loss of a 7-week-old fetus, but the loss of a future I had begun imagining and looking forward to with this new child.

There have been some very touching and beautiful moments that this miscarriage has brought about, and I am grateful for those. For instance, when I was trying to explain to Jack and Thomas what was happening, and the fact that the baby in my tummy had died, they tried so hard to cheer me up. They told me that we would see the baby again in heaven, and then the baby would get to come back to earth when Jesus comes again.

And, I look at Jack, Thomas, and Peter and am even more grateful for their good health and their presence in my lives. I'm blessed to have any children at all, let alone three!

I'm also grateful that, God willing, we will be able to have another child some day. I look forward to experiencing that joy of pregnancy again -- of that special secret knowledge that I'm carrying a tiny person inside me, before I'm showing and the whole world knows it. I'm even looking forward (this is going to sound crazy) to the sickness and tiredness of the first trimester, because I'll know that they are there for a good reason, that they are the product of the healthy growth and development of my child. I am grateful that, hopefully at least once more, I get to experience the thrill of taking a pregnancy test and having that little positive sign slowly materialize.

Finally, I am grateful that I had the privilege of carrying a new person, even if it was for just 7 short weeks. I'm so grateful that I got to see its little heart beating away, and that I had the ultrasound person print up a picture of our little peanut. And I'm grateful for our faith and our belief that our child is a little saint now, praying for us, and while we won't be together in this life, we will in the next.